Questions

Here is a journal entry I wrote earlier this afternoon:

Before I left the states, I was already looking forward to May 20th (the day I come home). Now, I'm back to - "I don't want to leave!!" I'm dreading May 20th. I wish I didn't have to turn in college apps between November and January. . . . I wish I could just "go with the flow" until May, then see where I'm at.

Of course, I want to go to college! But leaving Laoag is so hard. Coming back after college, or even during summer and winter breaks from college, just wouldn't feel the same. Sometimes I wonder why God didn't just make me a Filipino, if I was going to love the Philippines so much.

It would make the most sense to:
1. Leave May 20
2. Go to college
3. Get a degree (maybe even go to med. school)
4. Follow God's plan for my life -- do some sort of missions

I just have all this stuff running through my head. Ugh. Like -- I know God is going to use me more in the Philippines in the future, maybe even longer-term; I know that God made me smart for a reason and that I should use that (aka go to college); I know that before moving to any country for good, there are a lot of details to work out; I know that plane tickets are expensive. But I also know that God doesn't follow our plans; He follows His own -- which don't always make sense to us.

I feel like I am over-thinking all of this. But I struggle with dropping my plans and listening to God, when everywhere I turn I am told to always have a back up plan, to have a direction in life, and to make goals. How do I balance those two? Is there even a balance? -- or do I literally drop everything and only do the things God tells me to? I do know that I am supposed to obey God first and foremost, above anyone else -- so I am praying that He'll speak to me (directly, or through other people) about all of these questions I have.

I also know that although God might not tell me directly what He wants for me, He will close whatever doors He needs to until I am pointed in the direction He wants me.

It's the waiting game that's hurting me so bad.
love,k

P.S. Please pray that these things won't weigh on me so heavily that I am distracted from doing the things God wants me to do this year -- that I will have peace about it all. I seem to struggle with all of these thoughts and ideas every time I am back in the Philippines.