Fernando Ortega, here I come! :)

Ack! A month without posting! What's happened to me?

Well, to be honest -- not a lot has happened to me. I can't say that I've done anything significant or out-of-the-ordinary this month, and I guess that's why I haven't been posting. Whoops.

One cool thing I did do this month was preach. It was my third sermon ever, and I'm still not used to it. I preached out of Jeremiah and Hebrews on the new covenant and how it allows us to enter into the Lord's presence -- not like it used to be, where only the high priest could enter the Holy of Holies, only once a year, and only after a sacrifice was made. I discussed how Christ served as both the high priest and the sacrifice, and how He entered not an earthly Holy of Holies, but a heavenly one. When He made that sacrifice He gave us two things: 1) salvation and eternal life if we choose it -- this is the thing that most people think of -- and 2) the ability to enter into His presence on a regular basis. I then went on to explain how we should be when we do enter His presence: I used Hebrews 10:22 to name four characteristics we should have: a devoted heart, a surrendered life, a clean conscience, and internal purification. If you want more details let me know, but that's the gist of it.

Tonight I am taking the 8 PM bus from Laoag to Manila with several women from the church and other nearby churches. That's a 10-hour bus ride for those of you who don't know, and I'm praying I'll spend most of it asleep!!! We will be attending the Just Give Me Jesus crusade this February 2nd in Manila's Araneta Coliseum (fun fact: it's the largest coliseum in the country!). Anne Graham Lotz will be the main speaker, and Fernando Ortega is leading worship. It's an all-day event, and I'm so excited! We'll be spending Feb. 1 out and about in Manila, which is something I haven't done yet so I look forward to that as well.

And, as always, I'm anxiously awaiting SUMMER! (For me here that means late March through mid-June.) Maybe I'll actually get a tan - because right now I'm still just about as white as it gets. :]

love,k

Discovering the Reality of God

It's about 9:45, and I just got in from the Friday night activities. Tonight was the night I preached at the youth service -- the other day I still hadn't figured out what I was going to talk to, but in listening to an old sermon of my youth pastor's about the Lion of Judah I was inspired to share some of the same things with the kids here. I preached out of Revelation 5 and talked about the reality of God -- how he is both the Lion and the Lamb, and how in realizing that we will lose our contentedness and live fully for His kingdom. Anyway, I could give a ton more details, but I won't.

All this week (after I'd written the sermon outline) I felt great about it. I had been stressed and worried and nervous about it, and it was a huge weight off my shoulders to finally know what I was going to be sharing -- and to feel so good about it!! Tonight about an hour before it was time to speak all the nerves finally hit me. I wasn't really nervous about the topic, or speaking in front of them, just about talking too fast, for too long, etc. -- and terrified that the kids wouldn't understand at all. I was really praying that the Lord would stir something up in their hearts as they heard me speak, but I was still worried that He wouldn't. However, as soon as I started speaking all my nervousness subsided and I felt totally at ease. Afterwards two of my friends (Macky and Bhong) were making fun of me because I talk with my hands and move around when I'm speaking, and because I kept saying "anyway" and all this stuff. I may not be the best speaker, but I think I did a pretty good job. Even if the kids didn't get it, I think the leaders did -- and that is a start.

It's been raining all day today and a lot this whole week -- weird, because it had stopped raining until recently. I wonder if we're getting in one last good rainfall before rainy season comes to a close. Regardless, I kind of like it. I love that rainy-day feeling, just cozying up on the couch with a good book and some fuzzy socks and a bowl of soup. (Mind you, here it's rainy and hot, so I really don't do any of these things. But you get the idea.)

Tomorrow's Compassion Day and will hopefully just be a good time of me spending time with people. I'm looking forward to that -- I always look forward to the weekends. :) All in all, I'm doing pretty well and feel great about life in general here, especially my role (I still haven't figured out everything, but I know that I am being used). It's encouraging.

love,k

Praying in the midst of attack - Song of Solomon

Hey, everyone - Sorry for not having posted more. I really haven't been doing that much yet ministry-wise. But I talked to Pastor Florie last week about it, and we came up with some ideas. Since then we've decided that I'll be teaching a beginning ballet class for little girls in the church on weekends, and traveling to an elementary school on Tuesday/Thursday mornings to help with their music class. I'll let you all know when I get in the swing of things - I plan on trying to update my blog more regularly at that point.

I wanted to share one thing in particular, though -- the other night I was asked to share some sort of a testimony at the CMBI students' prayer meeting. Pastor Florie didn't inform me of this until lunch the day of the meeting, so I didn't have much time to prepare. I hate that feeling of unpreparedness, but decided to go ahead with my daily nap and see what came to me when I woke up. But I couldn't fall asleep - I kept thinking of Song of Solomon chapter 5 and my struggles with panic attack. I finally dragged myself out of bed, pulled out my bed and read the chapter. I was familiar with the story - if you want to read it, it's Song of Solomon 5:2-9 and then 6:1-9, but I'll summarize it as I draw parallels between it and my own story. I decided to talk about praying continually (1 Thess. 5:17) - even in the midst of attack from the enemy.

First of all, if you don't know what panic attacks are (the students didn't), look them up. They're considered a mental problem with physical aftereffects - usually the result of anxiety disorders. Mine were spiritual, though - only brought on during times of worship and prayer. When I had a panic attack, it was like I was overcome by this huge wave of fear for no reason whatsoever. Everything in me was racing - my mind, my heartbeat, my breathing, etc.; I felt like I couldn't get enough air; I had sudden bursts of energy and wanted to get up and go running; I felt extremely hot or cold; I was shaky.....Overall, I felt completely terrified and powerless. I couldn't (or didn't think I could) pray, worship, anything.

My panic attacks started in December (I had one before I came to the Philippines for Xmas, but didn't know what it was at the time), but got worse with the new year - after I returned from the Phils. In Song of Solomon, the bridegroom comes and knocks at the bride's door, but it's locked. She makes excuses - "my hair is wet, I'm not dressed properly, I'm tired, etc." Before I went to the Phils. that December, I had already heard from God about His plans for my future. Some days I felt confident in them, but overall I was scared and had lots of doubts. So it was like God was knocking, calling on me to draw close to Him and to trust Him, but I didn't - I said things like "God, you know, I'm young. Are You so sure about this? It just doesn't make sense to me. Things are hard. Blah blah blah." I made excuses. Then I went to the Philippines, and when I came back I realized -- God was right. (Duh! He is always right.) I decided to get out of bed and open the door. In SoS, the bride opens the door to find that the bridegroom has disappeared. For me, that was my struggle w/ panic - I felt like I was in a dark place, running around and trying to find God, but he had just...disappeared. (Here's where our stories are different -- God didn't leave me like the bridegroom left the bride. He was right beside me all along, but Satan continually jumped in my path and distracted me with panic.)

Panic is brought on by the mind. As a result, people who begin to think "I hope I don't have a panic attack" often cause themselves to have one - simply by thinking about it. This happened to me -- I tried praying against them, asking the Lord to protect me....hoping to myself that nothing bad would happen this time (because by a certain point, I was having panic attacks at every single worship service I went to - in any church, even during my own times of worship in my room)....But once I started praying about them, I would start to feel panicky. So I gave up on that. I couldn't pray before panic attacks. I couldn't pray during them because I felt so weak. And I couldn't pray after them because one had already happened - what good was it then?

I realized at one point that it was important to ask people to pray. My friends at youth group, the members of my small group, my parents, etc. Whoever was around when a panic attack hit me, I would tell them and ask them to just be praying for me. And they would! My attacks started going away faster.

Jessie, our worship leader at youth group (at Grace Covenant) -- and our youth leader's wife -- was able to help me deal with all of this. She has dealt with panic attacks herself, and taught me how to calm myself down - mentally and physically. Eventually I got to the point where I could actually pray. My mom reminded me that during the times where my panic was really awful and I couldn't pray in words, I could pray in tongues (I had already received that gift). The two of them really helped me with a lot. I learned that even though I felt like I couldn't, I really could pray. 'Cause we can always pray.

At the end of the story in SoS (chp 6), the bride remembers where to find her groom - in the gardens. She goes running to him and he is completely welcoming. My running to God came when I was able to break through in prayer. And the cool thing about God is that He doesn't ignore us or say "sorry, you didn't have time for Me, now I don't have time for you" - He reminds us that He loves us the same then as He always has.


So, I was all excited because I had this great talk to give, and God had showed me how my story lined up with this other one, etc.....But that night, as I was preparing (running through it out loud, praying about the evening, etc.), something happened that I never thought would have. I had another panic attack. I freaked out - I was so angry. This one was worse than any I have had before. I could see and hear Satan in my mind, but the things he said were indistinct. All I know is that it was terrifying. I was in agony. I shut my eyes and covered my ears and did everything in my power to make it stop. Then I remembered what I was supposed to be encouraging the students to do: pray continually. So I started praying, and it stopped. I got up, went upstairs, and went to the prayer meeting. Everything was amazing. I was still frustrated that I would have another attack, and worried that it was all going to start again. But Mom said that maybe this was Satan trying to go out with a bang. He had to get me one last time because he knew what I was about to share.

In any case, I'm confident that I'm through with panic, and I'm trying to remember to pray in every single circumstance. I encourage you guys to do the same. All my love,k