Dry spell that lasts a lifetime?

A close friend of mine (here in the Philippines)'s sister had a baby on Monday. Today I spent some time at their house visiting both mother and baby, both of whom are truly beautiful. It was possibly the highlight of my week! Babies are so perfect and innocent. Even their skin is flawless, something that I suppose won't last too long....

I can't help but be saddened by the situation, though. This young mother is not married and has not yet finished college. She lives with her boyfriend but I am unaware of their exact circumstances. Of course, this is not uncommon, even in the church (sadly enough). However, today I was reminded of how much confusion there is among the young people here. I realize that this is a worldwide problem, and one not only found in teenagers, but my heart continues to go out to this specific group of kids. None of them are "bad," so to speak. They are respectful most of the time, they work hard to help their parents and those around them, and most of them are pursuing or have already received a college education. They know Bible verses, they come to Sunday services, and they love the Lord. But it's all kind of routine; they're just going through the motions, and frankly, things are quite dry.

They kind of remind me of myself -- before.

Before I fell in love with the Lord. Before I knew what it was like to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Before I finally decided to give myself completely to Him. Before my relationship with Him became real to me.

The things I have now, the gifts and experiences that God has given me, are what I want for these kids. I don't want to see them in a lifelong dry spell. I don't think they even know what they're missing! I sometimes wonder if even the Bible students know what it feels like to be desperately in love with the Lord, so much that I can't even describe it. I hope they do, but I don't know.

Tonight as I was praying during our youth service, I was reminded (for probably the millionth time) that I really can't do anything about this. I can't make these kids change. I can't bring them experiences. The only way I can help them is by doing these things myself -- by showing them. This is a lesson I always seem to forget, but the Lord continues to remind me.

I don't know why I feel compelled to write a blog about this, because I know I wrote a similar one a while back. But nonetheless, here I am again. Pray for me?

love,k

Miss Atkins, student and instructor

You know, I'm really enjoying being a teacher -- English and ballet. It's so thrilling to help others learn something new, even just one tiny thing like how to correctly releve in fifth position. And teaching is such a great learning experience, too.

I am so in love with my ballet class!!! We're currently preparing for another performance on Christmas Day, and we're all tired but having a blast! I love it, because the longer I teach them the more I learn. I'm learning to balance fun times with serious, stricter times, and I've come up with some really great (not to toot my own horn or anything) on-the-spot games and ideas for our classes/practices that have made them really enjoyable. I feel like I'm getting closer to the kids, too. They used to be shy to speak English to me, or to tell me anything about themselves, but now it's like I have 11 new brothers and sisters. On that note, my class has gro-o-o-wn!! I'm happy to know that more kids are interested in joining, but I finally had to set a cut-off date. It was getting to big for me to handle. We've practiced every day this week, which is pretty tiring -- but it's a great feeling to know that they're so excited to come every day. Last week I traveled to Baguio and they all groaned when they heard we wouldn't be practicing for two days in a row. :)

In other news, the Christmas break is coming up and I just gave my English students their second exam. Two of them have improved significantly, and I'm excited. It's better than none! As with the ballet class, I feel like the longer I teach the more ideas I get and the better I become at it. I never thought I'd enjoy teaching this much. I still don't think it's something I'll pursue as a career, but we have teaching opportunities every day and I'm glad to know that I'm not terrible at it. Oh, I just wish I was staying here another year so I could teach for an entire year and use all of my ideas!

I love you all and hope you're each enjoying a blessed holiday season!
love,k

Responsibilities, or lack thereof

Hey guys, just have some thoughts I feel like sharing. Lately I’ve been having a hard time with several things (you’ll see what some of those are) – I’ve been up and down emotionally, spiritually, and every other way. But (praise the Lord) things are incredible now!

I think what helped me the most in all of this was coming to grips with my pride. It's something I've always struggled with, but until now I didn't realize just how bad things had gotten. It's taken over my thought life, my speech, my attitudes, my opinions, even my emotions!! This past Saturday afternoon I talked with a friend of my dad’s about several things, and it really helped me out. I already listed them in another email, so I'll just copy/paste it....

1. We should take every opportunity to let people know we are Christians. This does not necessarily involve saying "Hey guys, I'm a Christian, and if you're not you should be!" as much as living a Christlike life. As my dad’s friend put it, "when you are real, people know it and even though it may seem people don't listen, when the chips are down and people are in trouble, they'll remember you and trust you and turn to you." I'm excited because I've seen this in my own life. There are people who know I'm a Christian, and I've never once told them that I am. I'd like to think that they know through my actions and speech; my attitude. However, lately this has been something I’ve forgotten about. I haven’t been concerned about the opinions people here have of me, because of course they know I’m a Christian! I’m a missionary, right? But the point isn’t them knowing whether or not I’m a believer, the point is them seeing that I’m living for Christ. – On a side note, this was also Pastor Florie's sermon on Sunday – another confirmation that the Lord wanted me to remember this!! I've been reminded lately of 1 Timothy 4:12, and that in order to bring change to the people here (who are believers), the most important thing to be doing is living for God. This goes along with point number 2.....
2. We are in no way responsible for changing people's hearts; for converting them. Only God can do that. We are, however, His ambassadors (see 2 Cor. 5:11-21), called only to "act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8). Through fearing the Lord and doing what He has asked – commanded – us to do, we'll persuade people to do the same (2 Cor. 5:11). God does these things THROUGH us. We do nothing FOR Him.
3. God is a God of relationship... This is a common theme throughout Scripture. These relationships include: God in relationship with Himself, God in relationship with Creation, God in relationship with man, man in relationship with man, man in relationship with God.
4. (This kind of goes with #3) God is our model for literally everything. Such an obvious "point," but something I personally often forget.

I had really been struggling with #2 – not in the sense that I feel responsible for converting people, but that I sometimes feel responsible for the choices, lifestyles, and mindsets of other people – especially now that I'm over here. It's like I want so badly to help the youth group here, and sometimes I forget that I will never truly be able to make them draw nearer to the Lord. That's between Him and them. It’s so nice to know that.

Also, my desire to spend time with the Lord has been renewed! Rather than dutifully pulling out my Bible and reading one chapter a day, I get so caught up in what I'm reading that I don't want to stop!! I'm reading through 1 and 2 Samuel right now – books I don't think I've ever read straight through – and loving it. I'm learning a lot and I'm so excited to be so excited. It's great, because even though there have been "slow times," I'm learning to spend those times with the Lord, rather than spending them sulking.

Thanks for your prayers and encouraging words!! I feel so blessed by all of you.

love,k

Pen and paper. Or, in this case, keyboard and monitor.

I've always loved writing. When I was a kid, I spent lots of time on the computer (remember, we are in an age of technology!) or in notebooks writing stories and keeping journals. I've never really gotten bummed out about writing assignments in school, no matter how boring or exasperating they may seem to other people. To me, writing is a privilege, no matter what I'm writing about.

Despite how much I love writing, I often leave things incomplete (unless their completion is required). I've started so many stories, but most of them have stopped because I wasn't happy with the way the story was going. Rather than backtracking and fixing certain elements, I abandoned the story altogether. I'd rather start from scratch than go back over and edit the whole thing. It's not a big deal to me, because those unfinished stories are mine - they're not for no one else; no one is counting on their completion. Same thing with journal writing. I've never been good at writing regularly, not for longer than two months anyway. As with my stories, I've come to the realization that this doesn't matter because no one reads my journals. I write when I have something to say, and don't waste ink or paper when I don't. (Although.. Some may argue that this is a bad thing, because I've gotten in the habit of leaving things incomplete. I don't know. I really only see this pattern of not finishing what I've started in my writing.)

The only problem is -- with a blog, there are people reading. There are people out there wanting to read the things I write, wanting to hear what's going on. My apologies. :( I'm really going to try harder.

Several things have been going on in my life lately that I've allowed to distract me -- from spending time with the Lord, from getting work done (college, my classes, etc.), and from writing to you guys. At first I didn't realize it, but now I can see what's been happening and I'm asking the Lord to help me get back on track. Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more often. I'd like to be able to write more than "this is what I've been up to lately," but because my posts are so spread out, that's all they consist of. If you're keeping up with this blog and notice that I'm not posting, say something! I do love writing in here, but sometimes I don't think about it.

love you all,k

P.S. Sem break is over. I'm back in my English class and down to two students -- one (Minerva) is taking a one-semester break (she was ahead by one sem) and the other (Ruth) transferred. I think it's a blessing in disguise, because I'll be getting closer to these two girls (Cheryl-Lai and Baby Rose). Also, tonight is the service for the CMMP-CMBI 12th anniversary. My ballet students are performing, SAVERS are doing a few things, and I'm singing! I'm excited.

Praying in the midst of attack - Song of Solomon

Hey, everyone - Sorry for not having posted more. I really haven't been doing that much yet ministry-wise. But I talked to Pastor Florie last week about it, and we came up with some ideas. Since then we've decided that I'll be teaching a beginning ballet class for little girls in the church on weekends, and traveling to an elementary school on Tuesday/Thursday mornings to help with their music class. I'll let you all know when I get in the swing of things - I plan on trying to update my blog more regularly at that point.

I wanted to share one thing in particular, though -- the other night I was asked to share some sort of a testimony at the CMBI students' prayer meeting. Pastor Florie didn't inform me of this until lunch the day of the meeting, so I didn't have much time to prepare. I hate that feeling of unpreparedness, but decided to go ahead with my daily nap and see what came to me when I woke up. But I couldn't fall asleep - I kept thinking of Song of Solomon chapter 5 and my struggles with panic attack. I finally dragged myself out of bed, pulled out my bed and read the chapter. I was familiar with the story - if you want to read it, it's Song of Solomon 5:2-9 and then 6:1-9, but I'll summarize it as I draw parallels between it and my own story. I decided to talk about praying continually (1 Thess. 5:17) - even in the midst of attack from the enemy.

First of all, if you don't know what panic attacks are (the students didn't), look them up. They're considered a mental problem with physical aftereffects - usually the result of anxiety disorders. Mine were spiritual, though - only brought on during times of worship and prayer. When I had a panic attack, it was like I was overcome by this huge wave of fear for no reason whatsoever. Everything in me was racing - my mind, my heartbeat, my breathing, etc.; I felt like I couldn't get enough air; I had sudden bursts of energy and wanted to get up and go running; I felt extremely hot or cold; I was shaky.....Overall, I felt completely terrified and powerless. I couldn't (or didn't think I could) pray, worship, anything.

My panic attacks started in December (I had one before I came to the Philippines for Xmas, but didn't know what it was at the time), but got worse with the new year - after I returned from the Phils. In Song of Solomon, the bridegroom comes and knocks at the bride's door, but it's locked. She makes excuses - "my hair is wet, I'm not dressed properly, I'm tired, etc." Before I went to the Phils. that December, I had already heard from God about His plans for my future. Some days I felt confident in them, but overall I was scared and had lots of doubts. So it was like God was knocking, calling on me to draw close to Him and to trust Him, but I didn't - I said things like "God, you know, I'm young. Are You so sure about this? It just doesn't make sense to me. Things are hard. Blah blah blah." I made excuses. Then I went to the Philippines, and when I came back I realized -- God was right. (Duh! He is always right.) I decided to get out of bed and open the door. In SoS, the bride opens the door to find that the bridegroom has disappeared. For me, that was my struggle w/ panic - I felt like I was in a dark place, running around and trying to find God, but he had just...disappeared. (Here's where our stories are different -- God didn't leave me like the bridegroom left the bride. He was right beside me all along, but Satan continually jumped in my path and distracted me with panic.)

Panic is brought on by the mind. As a result, people who begin to think "I hope I don't have a panic attack" often cause themselves to have one - simply by thinking about it. This happened to me -- I tried praying against them, asking the Lord to protect me....hoping to myself that nothing bad would happen this time (because by a certain point, I was having panic attacks at every single worship service I went to - in any church, even during my own times of worship in my room)....But once I started praying about them, I would start to feel panicky. So I gave up on that. I couldn't pray before panic attacks. I couldn't pray during them because I felt so weak. And I couldn't pray after them because one had already happened - what good was it then?

I realized at one point that it was important to ask people to pray. My friends at youth group, the members of my small group, my parents, etc. Whoever was around when a panic attack hit me, I would tell them and ask them to just be praying for me. And they would! My attacks started going away faster.

Jessie, our worship leader at youth group (at Grace Covenant) -- and our youth leader's wife -- was able to help me deal with all of this. She has dealt with panic attacks herself, and taught me how to calm myself down - mentally and physically. Eventually I got to the point where I could actually pray. My mom reminded me that during the times where my panic was really awful and I couldn't pray in words, I could pray in tongues (I had already received that gift). The two of them really helped me with a lot. I learned that even though I felt like I couldn't, I really could pray. 'Cause we can always pray.

At the end of the story in SoS (chp 6), the bride remembers where to find her groom - in the gardens. She goes running to him and he is completely welcoming. My running to God came when I was able to break through in prayer. And the cool thing about God is that He doesn't ignore us or say "sorry, you didn't have time for Me, now I don't have time for you" - He reminds us that He loves us the same then as He always has.


So, I was all excited because I had this great talk to give, and God had showed me how my story lined up with this other one, etc.....But that night, as I was preparing (running through it out loud, praying about the evening, etc.), something happened that I never thought would have. I had another panic attack. I freaked out - I was so angry. This one was worse than any I have had before. I could see and hear Satan in my mind, but the things he said were indistinct. All I know is that it was terrifying. I was in agony. I shut my eyes and covered my ears and did everything in my power to make it stop. Then I remembered what I was supposed to be encouraging the students to do: pray continually. So I started praying, and it stopped. I got up, went upstairs, and went to the prayer meeting. Everything was amazing. I was still frustrated that I would have another attack, and worried that it was all going to start again. But Mom said that maybe this was Satan trying to go out with a bang. He had to get me one last time because he knew what I was about to share.

In any case, I'm confident that I'm through with panic, and I'm trying to remember to pray in every single circumstance. I encourage you guys to do the same. All my love,k

Questions

Here is a journal entry I wrote earlier this afternoon:

Before I left the states, I was already looking forward to May 20th (the day I come home). Now, I'm back to - "I don't want to leave!!" I'm dreading May 20th. I wish I didn't have to turn in college apps between November and January. . . . I wish I could just "go with the flow" until May, then see where I'm at.

Of course, I want to go to college! But leaving Laoag is so hard. Coming back after college, or even during summer and winter breaks from college, just wouldn't feel the same. Sometimes I wonder why God didn't just make me a Filipino, if I was going to love the Philippines so much.

It would make the most sense to:
1. Leave May 20
2. Go to college
3. Get a degree (maybe even go to med. school)
4. Follow God's plan for my life -- do some sort of missions

I just have all this stuff running through my head. Ugh. Like -- I know God is going to use me more in the Philippines in the future, maybe even longer-term; I know that God made me smart for a reason and that I should use that (aka go to college); I know that before moving to any country for good, there are a lot of details to work out; I know that plane tickets are expensive. But I also know that God doesn't follow our plans; He follows His own -- which don't always make sense to us.

I feel like I am over-thinking all of this. But I struggle with dropping my plans and listening to God, when everywhere I turn I am told to always have a back up plan, to have a direction in life, and to make goals. How do I balance those two? Is there even a balance? -- or do I literally drop everything and only do the things God tells me to? I do know that I am supposed to obey God first and foremost, above anyone else -- so I am praying that He'll speak to me (directly, or through other people) about all of these questions I have.

I also know that although God might not tell me directly what He wants for me, He will close whatever doors He needs to until I am pointed in the direction He wants me.

It's the waiting game that's hurting me so bad.
love,k

P.S. Please pray that these things won't weigh on me so heavily that I am distracted from doing the things God wants me to do this year -- that I will have peace about it all. I seem to struggle with all of these thoughts and ideas every time I am back in the Philippines.